Joy

Several weeks ago a friend of mine asked me what brought me joy. I had a quick answer for her: my family, the gospel of Jesus Christ and solitude. She further asked me: what if your family was gone? What, aside from God, would you  need to allow you to find joy?

Setting aside the definition of "joy" (that's a blog for another day, I guess), I really started thinking about what 4 or 5 essentials I felt I must have to be happy. I finally decided on a few.

I need meaningful relationships. Loving ones, trusting ones. Just a few. When my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother, who was quickly descending into the depths of senility, never forgot that she was alone. She missed having that someone, that person who was just for her. I think I am like that. I need that someone who is just for me, who loves me best, who always defends me, who listens to and believes in me. Since I was 16 or so, that person has been my husband. Nobody loves me better than he does, I think.

I also need self-expression. I need to be able to talk/write about important feelings and ideas and conclusions. I have kept a journal since I was 8. I keep records of what I wear and how I felt wearing it. I write my concerns, my gratitude...everything. If I'm not writing, it's because I'm talking. But even after I talk about something, I will need to write it down. So I don't forget it. So I get it down just right. So it is real.

 I need learning. I need access to ideas and information. I need to figure out things. I think this craving must be an inborn part of my character because it drives me in a way that very few things do. I don't know if you'd consider my house organized, but I think my mind is highly organized. I must figure out how I feel or think, why I feel or think that way and what I'm going to do about it. There are few or no dark, cobwebby corners in my head. I'm always in pursuit of ideas and how they fit into my reality. It's probably one of the most defining aspects of my character. I don't think I'm unusually smart or highly creative or an original thinker or anything like that. Just that what goes on in my head is probably the most active part of me. For better or for worse.

 As I have gotten older, I have come to greatly value self-mastery. I used to believe that total freedom to do what I pleased just when it pleased me to do it (within the realms of basic righteousness, of course) was the ultimate in happiness, but I have discovered that self-indulgence is rarely followed by joy. More often it's followed by guilt, regret, anger, even self-contempt. I think the most effective path to self-mastery is through seeking after God's will. That's a tall order, though, and one I think it will take me all my life to figure out. Anyway, I now know that if I don't master myself and my desires (for shopping, for food, for entertainment, etc etc), I cannot be happy.

Finally, I need quiet time. In my life now, that time has come alone in the car (waiting for some kid somewhere, most likely), reading in a comfortable chair, sitting up alone against the pillows in my bed on a quiet morning, looking out the window, scrapbooking, sitting at the beach, looking out at the hills that surround my house, standing in the wind, smelling the air.... I wouldn't say that this time is thinking time--cuz I do the majority of that stuff through expression. But this is just refilling time. It's time to just be, away from all the things that define the bulk of my time. Remembering who I am when I'm all alone.

So I think that's how I would find my joy. Aside from the great concerns of my life--my family and my religion--these are the things that it takes for me to find that deep happiness and peace inside that I think joy is.