My "Carpe Diem"

Here's my brother, with his youngest asleep in his arms.



I've read several things lately on the internet written by young moms who sound tired and a bit overwhelmed. Their complaints remind me of when I was a young mom, sometimes feeling overworked, misunderstood, sleep-deprived, lonely and unappreciated myself. I still have kids at home and my little kid years aren't too far behind me that I've forgotten how much a mixture of joy and fatigue they were.

What I hear these moms saying is that they don't want to be lectured about enjoying these years wholesale. They find them a lot of hard work and are satisfied with finding the small beautiful moments among the general chaos. They look forward to the time when the kids aren't so dependent and demanding and when they themselves (the moms) can find some more time for themselves. Don't tell them "carpe diem" while they're busy just making it through each day without totally losing it. I well remember feeling something of this myself.

But what I remember more clearly is the ending of each little event in each of my children's lives. Being a mom is to know what endings feel like. When my first daughter was born, each night brought the end of another precious day with her. When she stopped nursing, that unique bonding time between us was over. When she crawled, the days of her infancy were gone. When she walked, her crawling days were done. When she began speaking, her baby coos were gone forever. When her teeth appeared, her gummy smiles ended. Every birthday was the closing of a year of her babyhood that would never come again. When her brother was born, my days alone with my firstborn were gone. And so it continued with each of my precious children. As each chapter began, it meant the closing of another chapter. I looked forward to every step they gained, every evidence of maturity, every new experience, but I also mourned the ending of the times that I had loved with them. Every beginning was also an ending.

Now I have adult children and teenagers. They are lots of fun to spend time with. We shop, we talk, we hang out, we enjoy our time together. But sometimes I really miss those baby days. I miss the unconditional love and affection. I miss the easy hugs and kisses. I miss tucking them all into bed and going to sleep myself, knowing that they were all safe under my roof.

And I feel even more keenly the endings that loom in the not-too-distant future. In just a few short years all my children will be gone from my house and building their own lives in their own houses. Hopefully I'll have grandchildren and a whole new chapter of my own life will begin. But those years when they were just mine, just my babies, just my little family to love and to spend time with... those days will never come again.

Honestly, I don't want them back again. Things are as they should be. My kids are growing up and going places and that's just right. It's rather bittersweet. They leave as I raised them to be--independent, hard-working, ambitious, righteous--but they are leaving. I miss them when they go. I don't mean for them to stay, I don't wish for them to stay. But I miss them.

Yes, we moms are the expert at endings. We've experienced them over and over. I think this should make us all natural experts at enjoying THIS day, THIS smile, THIS baby, THIS experience because we know it'll all be different in a week, a month, a year. And it'll never come back. So you young moms, don't reject the carpe diem idea. You're already doing it. It comes with the territory. You're already the expert at grasping today because no one knows better than you do that it'll truly be gone before you know it.