My "Carpe Diem"

Here's my brother, with his youngest asleep in his arms.



I've read several things lately on the internet written by young moms who sound tired and a bit overwhelmed. Their complaints remind me of when I was a young mom, sometimes feeling overworked, misunderstood, sleep-deprived, lonely and unappreciated myself. I still have kids at home and my little kid years aren't too far behind me that I've forgotten how much a mixture of joy and fatigue they were.

What I hear these moms saying is that they don't want to be lectured about enjoying these years wholesale. They find them a lot of hard work and are satisfied with finding the small beautiful moments among the general chaos. They look forward to the time when the kids aren't so dependent and demanding and when they themselves (the moms) can find some more time for themselves. Don't tell them "carpe diem" while they're busy just making it through each day without totally losing it. I well remember feeling something of this myself.

But what I remember more clearly is the ending of each little event in each of my children's lives. Being a mom is to know what endings feel like. When my first daughter was born, each night brought the end of another precious day with her. When she stopped nursing, that unique bonding time between us was over. When she crawled, the days of her infancy were gone. When she walked, her crawling days were done. When she began speaking, her baby coos were gone forever. When her teeth appeared, her gummy smiles ended. Every birthday was the closing of a year of her babyhood that would never come again. When her brother was born, my days alone with my firstborn were gone. And so it continued with each of my precious children. As each chapter began, it meant the closing of another chapter. I looked forward to every step they gained, every evidence of maturity, every new experience, but I also mourned the ending of the times that I had loved with them. Every beginning was also an ending.

Now I have adult children and teenagers. They are lots of fun to spend time with. We shop, we talk, we hang out, we enjoy our time together. But sometimes I really miss those baby days. I miss the unconditional love and affection. I miss the easy hugs and kisses. I miss tucking them all into bed and going to sleep myself, knowing that they were all safe under my roof.

And I feel even more keenly the endings that loom in the not-too-distant future. In just a few short years all my children will be gone from my house and building their own lives in their own houses. Hopefully I'll have grandchildren and a whole new chapter of my own life will begin. But those years when they were just mine, just my babies, just my little family to love and to spend time with... those days will never come again.

Honestly, I don't want them back again. Things are as they should be. My kids are growing up and going places and that's just right. It's rather bittersweet. They leave as I raised them to be--independent, hard-working, ambitious, righteous--but they are leaving. I miss them when they go. I don't mean for them to stay, I don't wish for them to stay. But I miss them.

Yes, we moms are the expert at endings. We've experienced them over and over. I think this should make us all natural experts at enjoying THIS day, THIS smile, THIS baby, THIS experience because we know it'll all be different in a week, a month, a year. And it'll never come back. So you young moms, don't reject the carpe diem idea. You're already doing it. It comes with the territory. You're already the expert at grasping today because no one knows better than you do that it'll truly be gone before you know it.

Good for what ails me

Oh, how I love potato chips. The smell, the taste, the texture... I love it all. A perfect day to me still seems like spending most of it sitting my deep velvet chair by the open french doors, a warm scented breeze brushing in, the hills green in the distance, a book in my lap (2 more in a pile beside me) and a tall glass of ice water on the side table AND an open bag of chips within reach of my (non-page-turning) hand. Sigh. This is often what I long for, but I know from sad experience that this kind of indulgence only leads to regrets--in the form of mental anguish (guilt) and stomach distress (all those chips!!).

And yet, even though I know how I'll feel if I spend an afternoon eating chips and reading... when I feel worried or afraid or sad, that scenario calls to me at the top of its lungs. I hear it today. But I won't be answering its call. For one thing, I have no chips in the house. But that's easily solved. No, today I won't answer the call because lately junk food really hurts. And having sacrificed precious energy to several sleepless nights over the last weeks and months because of accidental indulgences (I just wasn't paying attention and my body has become far more picky!), I am absolutely firm in my choice to avoid the fat laden food that my mind is calling out for today.

I read a couple of books lately, too, that have really affected my thinking about emotional eating. First was a book I really disliked called Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. Couldn't stand the author's voice, but I got one really powerful idea out of it and that is that when I overeat or eat something that is bad for my body, I am numbing a feeling that I don't want to deal with. From a previous book I already understood that eating beyond hunger becomes feeding the mind rather than feeding the body. Now I have a clearer idea of why I've been wanting to ignore what my body prefers and why I've been wanting to feed my mind. Now I can clearly see that when I want to eat potato chips, it's never about hunger--it's because I want to numb a feeling I'm having and am not prepared to resolve.

A not unreasonable desire, it seems to me. I'm perfectly capable of dealing with feelings. But sometimes, it's just not the right time, or I'm just not ready to bring that one out of the dark. And chips are the right answer. Or so it has seemed to me for years.

The second book I learned something significant from on this topic was The End of Overeating by David Kessler. He showed that eating fatty foods induces the body to crave more fatty foods. Once I read that, I immediately saw how it works with my own eating habits. Fat leads to more fat. I felt it myself. So that put me on my guard in regards to eating the high fat foods that taste so good. It's just like starting a chain reaction. Of course, knowing this, and observing it in my own body, it's a lot easier to shut down the cravings. I eat chips with my sandwich and when the serving I've given myself is gone, I want more. Since I know it's just fat calling to fat it's a lot easier to just say "no".

So I'm off chips as a cure for what hurts in my heart. Cuz it just creates a bigger hurt in my body. But now I'm a little bit at a loss. What do I do with these feelings that I'm not ready to take out and sort through right now? I feel worried today about a problem I'm not going to be able to solve in the near future. I want chips. I want a long book and a soft chair. Not gonna happen. My options?





















These do help, even without the chips.


So does this.
This would undoubtedly help, but why is it always a little bit down on the list? I think it's because with a book, playing the piano or chips, I know just what I'll get. On the other hand, God's answers are always the BEST for me, but not always the most expected or even the most palatable. I expect that's because I need more practice aligning my will with His. But that's a whole other subject. At least I know I can access His peace, even if He doesn't always bless me with the immediate solution I'm wishing for, right?
This works for me too, especially when it's accompanied by the perennial escapist choice:



Some other things I'd like to try:



And maybe even:
If I get really desperate.


Yes, there are definitely other options besides potato chips. And yet, that's still what my emotions cry for when I'm worried or upset. I guess it will take awhile to change that pathway. I've been walking it for a lot of years. Meanwhile, I still feel worried today... what palliative shall I choose this afternoon?

10 Things

The sun set right in the dimple of the hills behind our house. Very cool. I LOVE living in the country. It's changed my feelings about so many things.

1. I am not convinced that conflicts can be resolved through better communication.

2. I didn't realize that when my son left on a mission he wouldn't ever be "home" in the same way again.

3. I don't think it's a good idea to criticize myself when I'm talking to my husband--I don't want to give him any ideas.

4. Being in my 40s is VERY different from being in my 20s. And it's better.

5. I am one of the laziest people I know.

6. My children are the greatest joy in my life; they are so good.

7. I chain read vintage romances sometimes. I've read over a dozen of them in the last 5 days. Is this a waste of time or what? But they're so sweet!

8. In homeschooling, the subject that used to be our achilles heel is now one of our strongest ones--math!

9. I am 5'10". I wish I were taller.

10. Today I finally looked at pictures of the devastation in Japan and cried. I see the pictures but I can't imagine the reality for all those survivors.

My Marriage

Here's the man I'm lucky enough to be married to. He's as beautiful inside as he is on the outside. I found him when I was only 16 and I've spent the last 27 years being in love with him. This photo was taken on his birthday in July, less than a week before our 22nd anniversary. If I were to choose one word to describe him I would choose the word SERVICE. This man is always doing something for others. He has the gift of knowing what is required or wanted and then DOING it. He really does live his life in the service of others. Even his working life is spent serving: in the medical industry and in the teaching profession. At work he does over and above what he is paid for. He serves his students, his patients and his co-workers. He is a man who gives all of his personal time to me, his children, his extended family, his friends and acquaintances and his church. And he is especially good to me. He shops, he cooks, he cleans, he preserves food, he plans menus, he folds clothes, he maintains the garden, he listens, he gives advice when asked, he takes me out, he brings me flowers, he laughs with me, he scratches my back, he does his utmost to make me happy. I am very grateful for him.

I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants the other day and I read this scripture. It is the Lord, speaking to Joseph Smith's wife, Emma:

"And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto . . . thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness." (D&C 25:5)

As scriptures so often do, this one spoke to me directly. That week I had been feeling sorry for myself, feeling I was overburdened, feeling my personal needs were unmet, beginning to blame my husband for some of this. I think my feelings were hormonal (gotta have some excuse!!), but this scripture was just what I needed to remind me of one of my purposes in life. It is my job to be a comfort to my husband! To love him, to build him up, to speak kindly to him, to make sure he knows how I respect, love and honor him. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own angst over one thing or another, I forget that I promised 22 years ago to love and cherish this very good man.

I like what Elizabeth says in Pride and Prejudice after she has become engaged to Mr. Darcy: "My good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible." This is how I feel about marriage. I am the protector of all of my husband's good qualities and it's my job to notice, to promote, to celebrate them all. I also wish to ignore, forget and never think about any possible "weakness" or "bad" quality that he might have. In my eyes, he will be a hero, my forever sweetheart and partner. I love my man!

O remember, my son!

"The morning frost on the manure looks lovely."

That's what my daughter said this morning, partly in jest and partly because it really does look pretty. We've got manure spread all over the back "yard". All winter the rain will come down on it and all winter a lovely slushy manure tea will sink into our clay-like dirt and then, come spring, we'll plow all that yummy manure into the dirt and we'll hopefully be able to plant anything there and it will GROW. That's the plan, anyhow.

Here's what grabbed my attention in my scripture reading this morning--a description of us pitiful humans: (from Helaman 12:4-8)

"O how foolish, and how vain, and how evil, and devilish and how quick to do iniquity, and how slow to do good, are the children of men; yea, how quick to hearken unto the words of the evil one, and to set their hearts upon the vain things of the world.
Yea, how quick to be lifted up in pride; yea, how quick to boast, and do all manner of that which is iniquity; and how slow are they to remember the Lord their God, and to give ear unto his counsels, yeah, how slow to walk in wisdom's paths!
Behold, they do not desire that the Lord their God, who hath created them, should rule and reign over them; notwithstanding his great goodness and his mercy towards them, they do set at naught his counsels, and they will not that he should be their guide.
O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth.
For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God."

So even the dust of the earth remembers and obeys better than we do. And so, according to the scriptures, do the hills, the mountains, the oceans, yes, the whole earth does better than we who claim ownership of it do.

Poor, tired Nephi (son of Helaman) has preached to his people all his life and they constantly forget all the teachings of the prophets and all their past experience with God. Here's the part that scares me:

"And thus we see that except the Lord doth chasten his people with many afflictions, yea, except he doth visit them with death and with terror, and with famine and with all manner of pestilence, they will not remember him."

I don't have a good memory. And it's the chastening that I fear. :)

Sometimes I think that the reason all today's saints (that's us!) aren't going to completely forget, embrace wickedness and lose the gospel on the earth--as we've been promised will NOT happen--the reason that won't happen to us, perhaps, is because of the media. We vilify it for its use in furthering the agendas of Satan, but it also furthers the purposes of God--the building up of His kingdom on earth. We've got satellite TV, webcasts, books, magazines, websites, conferences, podcasts, blogs, etc, etc. It is so easy to access all kinds of media that remind us forgetful humans of God and His commandments. Of course, perhaps we--those who have been saved for these last days--ARE stronger. Perhaps. But it IS easier to remember for us. We read, we write. We have been commanded to keep personal journals of remembrance.

It seems that one of our greatest weaknesses as mortals is our permeable memories. I blame a lot of my failures on forgetfulness. That lady I felt impressed to call yesterday when I said my morning prayers? I got caught up in the day and forgot. I forget to pray some nights when I'm really tired and distracted. I wait all day for the "perfect" time for family scripture study--when everyone is home from work and fed--but then time passes and I forget all about it.

But this is the age of memory assistance! Post-it notes, personal planners, the iphone, Blackberries, even the standard cell phone has alarms and calendars and notes! Forgetfuness has never, I believe, been easier to overcome.

Helaman 5: 12 "And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

Seems simple enough. Remember and be protected. Remember and be saved. Remember, remember, my sons and daughters.

So you like shopping?

I just read this book entitled, "I Want That!:How We All Became Shoppers". I, like many women, love to shop. Mostly. I also feel frustrated, overwhelmed, guilty, irritated and conflicted about shopping.

Lately I've been seeking for some sort of balance in the whole wanting and consuming cycle. What is okay to want? How much luxury can one have without crossing the line into decadence? How much of my "discretionary" income should be spent on entertaining me and my family and how much should be dedicated to the service of others? If I am blessed by God with more than enough money to meet the needs of my family, is it vain to spend that extra on luxury acquisitions and entertainment? I have no answers to these questions.

However, Thomas Hine, the guy who wrote the book I mentioned, refers to an idea about shopping that I find very interesting and not a little amusing. Mr Hine explains a theory postulated by an anthropologist named Daniel Miller. Here is his idea, quoted from "I Want That!" in the chapter entitled "Responsibility: Why Women Take Shopping Seriously":

Shopping has cosmic meaning.
"Shopping does connect with something deep, ancient, and widespread in human behavior... The shopper . . . is more like a priestess. And shopping is a ritual of sacrifice.

"A sacrifice, he says, consists of three stages. The first is the moment of expenditure, such as the slaying of the animal, the offering of the fruits. The second stage involves isolating that portion of the sacrifice that is sacred, which belongs to the gods. In several cultures, this is done when the entrails are burned and the smoke that rises into the air is viewed as the property of the gods. In Jewish tradition, blood, viewed as life itself, is the sacred portion. In Jewish ritual slaughter, it must be returned to God and not eaten by humans. The third part of the sacrifice is when the sacrifice becomes food, and people eat it.

"It's not difficult to see how the first and third aspects of sacrifice are part of daily life, but it's harder to discern the central stage. To what gods are things being sacrificed? And what is the part of it that belongs to the gods?

"Based on his interviews, Miller concluded that the central aspect of the shopper's sacrifice is the aspiration to thrift. Virtually every shopper to whom he spoke expressed a belief that shopping must be done carefully so that money won't be wasted. The shopper should look out for sale items, for coupons, or for items that, though they might be more expensive initially, will last longer and offer greater value in the long run. By striving to be thrifty, the shopper tells herself that she is making a sacrifice to ensure the future of her family. She is careful, not wasteful. By observing the rituals of coupons and discount cards, the shopper can reassure herself and demonstrate to others that she takes a sacred responsibility seriously.

"Shopping is a ritual, and like all rituals, it must be done properly or something will be lost. You must strive not to pay full price. The discounts you receive are an offering to the future."

Amusing, isn't it? I love it--it feels serious, yet it makes me laugh at the same time. It's also a kind of an explanation for why shopping feels so dang good when you get THE deal, and why you feel so virtuous when you pay much less than your purchase was "worth". It's definitely a kind of triumph when a shopper gets what she wants and pays less than she expects. I've felt this triumph so often that I have become "addicted" and I can't bear to pay "full price" (whatever that is) for anything.

This idea of shopping as ritual also has plenty of "good stewardship" overtones--and we all know that we have a responsibility for stewardship and thrift with our resources. How many times have we heard the counsel: live within our incomes, stay out of debt, save for a rainy day?!

However seriously you feel about consumption and excesses and whatever your definition of luxury and entertainment, spending hard-earned money on needed/desired goods is worth thinking about. I'm still setting my own limits and I'm sure they'll change depending on my income, my perception of "righteousness" and, more trivially, my mood and my hormones! Anyway, I still love this idea:

"Shopping is a ritual, and like all rituals, it must be done properly or something will be lost. You must strive not to pay full price. The discounts you receive are an offering to the future."

That's me, high priestess of the outlet mall.

Aristotle and Politics

I am reading Aristotle. Well, I'm trying to. Philosophy is like another language. I read a paragraph and then I read it again. And maybe still again. I'm a total ignoramus when it comes to philosophy.

Here's one of the ideas I've gleaned so far:

According to Aristotle, politics is the "highest" art because: "it is this that ordains which of the sciences should be studied in a state, and which each class of citizens should learn and up to what point they should learn them . . . Since politics uses the rest of the sciences, and since, again, it legislates as to what we are to do and what we are to abstain from..." therefore, politics "is most truly the master art." (Aristotle "Nicomachean Ethics" Book 1, chapter 2). Whew!

He goes on to clinch this argument by pointing out that since politics has the power to do the greatest good to the most people ("it is finer and more godlike to attain [good] for a nation or for city-states" than "merely for one man"), it is really the most authoritative art.

It seems that he's invested politics with far more power than I somehow imagine it having. It's so easy to scoff at the politicians, to be angry and disdainful at their posturing and their pontificating. But I think I have gotten into the habit of underestimating their effect on my day-to-day life. Science, literature, medicine, art... these all contribute greatly to my comfort and even to my survival. But Aristotle is correct--all of these are subject to legislation. What is available to me is available because the law allows it to be so. What is studied for my sake (and for the sake of all consumers) is studied because it was legislated or permitted to be taught. I really never thought about it this way. I get used to the idea that we are "free" and we are indeed free--to a wonderful and great extent. But.... consider how much of our freedoms have been legislated away and are now being legislated away in the name of "fairness" or "safety", etc. Very interesting.

Interesting too, because of his reference to the state dictating what their citizens should learn. This has been happening since compulsory public school first began, less than a century ago. And when compulsory public education began, it was with the idea of suiting the worker to the industry--therefore, policy really did dictate class education. And really, nothing has changed. Politics dictate curriculum. Every public school student studies what the state says he/she should study. Every person who opens a textbook or some other compilation of information is reading pre-digested material, chosen for him/her by someone else, some remote "expert". Is this bad? Probably not. But it's good to be aware of.

I hope we never lose the ability to access and understand original source writing. I am reading Aristotle (slowly and painfully) after reading a pre-digested summary of his philosophies. I find it hard work. This is because I am used to reading things that are simply written, with sound bite ideas and quotable thesis statements. I read things that are written for my rapid consumption, glittering with entertainment and leaving me wanting more. I do like this kind of reading material. There's definitely a place for it in my life (just check out my goodreads library). But Aristotle is reminding me that there should be a place for the real stuff too. I need to want substance as well as air.