I have made a big discovery.
I've been thinking about how people change. Most of us change in response to situations or enviroment--pretty organic stuff, evolving according to what has rubbed up against us.
Fewer people change with purpose, identifying things they dislike about themselves and then actually making a consistent effort to change. Some of these types of changes last for ever, many don't last very long. Habit is a firm master. Once we make a habit--any habit--it takes great effort to change.
So I've been thinking about the kind of effort it takes to change and the processes one has to go through to truly change. There's a lot of information out there about how to change--self help books, weight loss books/plans/pills, parenting books, etc etc. And the reason it's such a huge market is because it's SO hard and folks are always looking for the "perfect" way. I imagine "perfect" mostly means "quick and easy".
I think change requires a driving and consistent desire. I have these strong desires to change now and again and I may feel passionately about them for days, maybe weeks, very occasionally months. But eventually the strong feeling passes--for a variety of reasons--and then, very often, I'll drift back into the old habits. They're comfortable. They're easy. They're not so bad. I can't really remember what I was all worked up about in the first place.
So I'm in the middle of an attempted change (and I've attempted this one many times before) and I'm reading a book. And one sentence I read has stuck in my head. It says:
"You can mature beyond doing what you want to do, to doing what you know to be best for you."
I think the reason this statement first stood out to me was the author's connecting maturity to self-mastery. I consider myself mature, but I do NOT have an advanced degree in self-mastery. And that would imply I have some maturing to do. So I saw this statement almost like a challenge.
I also thought that a person doesn't always realize what's actually best for themselves! All of us are caught up in some behaviors that hurt us. Sometimes we don't even recognize what we're doing that is making us unhappy.
So. This is my great discovery. About me (of course).
Talking too much makes me unhappy, most often when it happens in group situations i.e. when I'm talking to more than one person at the same time.
!!!!!
For a long time I just assumed this was part of my character, something I had to endure and something other people had to accept. But it was moving away from the people I had lived near for almost all my life that showed me how I feel about this.
When we moved I was thrown into a group of people that I didn't know and that didn't know me. So, not surprisingly, I was more quiet. I never spoke up in classes at church, I never volunteered information in social situations, etc etc. I thought this would be restricting and unfulfilling for me. But what I noticed was that I found it liberating! I felt much better about myself, the QUIETER self, that is.
Amazing. To me, anyway. Part of the definition of me is that I am a talker and I always have something to say about everything and... I say it. And I never realized that it made me unhappy.
So. But the big-picture discovery for me is that I found that something about me that I totally took for granted, that I thought was inseparable from me as a person, something that I had been in the habit of being and doing for my whole life....was voluntary. Something that was very much a part of my character, yes, but it was my CHOICE to be or not to be that way. And by accident (as a result of being a stranger in this new town) I chose to not be the way I had always thought I just "was". And I liked it better. Wow.
I think this is an exciting idea. If I can change this, what can't I change? I feel the potential power.
The sticky thing is that I just made this change by accident, just happened to notice I liked it better, and will not find it difficult to stay the course--since I've already been doing it with these "new" people for a year. And especially now that I've identified it, I feel I have control over it.
So I'm not sure how to take this kind of control when it's not "by accident". The thing is, I lived the new way for months and that's what caused me to recognize how much I liked it. Usually when I approach something I want to change, it's from a more negative point. That is, I dislike the consequences of a certain behavior and I want to escape those consequences in any possible way. If there's an easy way, I want to take it. If it's hard, I can keep it up only for as long as I still feel bad about the behavior. As soon as I forget the bad feelings, the effort to change the behavior wanes. And pretty soon I'm back where I was... until I feel negatively about it again.
So, the positive approach--where I changed behavior in response to something outside of myself and then felt the fruits of my efforts--worked really well, but the negative approach--where I hate something about myself and make a desperate and short-term stab at changing it, only to ultimately fail--never works.
So how can I work around this? Is is possible to act out according to the fruits (i.e. act like you're already the way that it'll actually take work for you to be) and then magically have the habits changed? That reminds me of the scripture that says "As a man thinketh, so is he".
It's all mental, what I'm talking about here. I'm just wondering if there's a better way to approach change than the: identify the bad thing, set a goal, break it down into steps, and then DO IT approach. Cuz that one doesn't really work for me. Hm..... I have to think about this some more.
And. Just in case you were wondering. I'll always be a talker. I like it. Mostly. And the part that I don't like? Taken care of. (Mostly) :D
3 comments:
I LOVE that you are a talker and too bad you left that behind.....
Anyway, I often wonder if change is always the right choice. How much of what we want to change is dictated by society (i.e. loose more weight, be a better parent....) Sometimes I think that if we took a spiritual inventory as often as we take a physical/worldly inventory, change on all grounds would be easier.
I also think that the more we focus on ourselves and less on those around us, the more we find to change about ourselves. For instance, if we are so caught up in helping our family, fulfilling our calling, volunteering etc we don't have time to think about the awful things about us that we want to change. We are more focused on others and I think that can make changes automatically without much "effort" to actually just by taking the focus off of ourselves.
But if we do find we need to change something (a bad habit affecting our spirituality) then we should change but not as the world can offer change but as Christ offers change. We need to rely on the atonement and the scriptures and praying to make the change happen. Then we have to be willing to keep that all up and rely that the Lord will in time change us. We really can't change ourselves for the good unless we recognize that it's Christ that can change us and dictate our lives for us. Obviously we have to do all we can, but in the end, it's our reliance on Him that causes us to truly change. It's our realization that we can't do it on our own that gives us that burning inside to want change and then actually change.
There you go again, Audrey.... making me THINK!! :0)
Sami Thompson
So kind of what you're saying is that if we "lose" ourself in Christ (i.e. by serving others) we naturally evolve into the best version of ourselves. And the more we get caught up in thinking about ourselves, the less useful we are as tools in God's hands. I think that is absolutely true. Why is it so easy to forget it? When I'm wallowing in misery because of some shortcoming, immersing myself in service is NOT my first impulse. But it should be.
So what do you think about this: Ether 12:27 is my favorite scripture and one of the things it says is that as you come unto Christ, He will show you your weaknesses and help you to strengthen them (what a concept!!). So when I come face to face with a shortcoming of mine, I often wonder if that's not a message to me from the Lord to do some prayerful fixing! As far as the talking thing goes, I had 4 very negative experiences with this within a relatively short period (I think you know about several of them) and I thought that might be a wake-up call to me. And I prayed so much about it and thought about it and read and stuff. And felt like I wasn't making much progress cuz trying to fix my outspokenness felt like banging my head up against a wall. But then I moved and the solution just.... happened. Am I on the way to realizing that promise in Ether? Can this be part of the fix-it equation? What do you think?
The last promise in Ether 12:27 is that He will make weak things become strong unto (them) us. So I don't necessarily think that He is promising that all of our weak things will automatically go away with lots of prayer and faith. But that maybe attributes about ourselves that we thought/think of as weaknesses might actually be a strength and a tool to help facilitate others in the gospel or in this Earthly life.
I definitely feel there are habits/personality traits that need to be changed or altered, but I don't always think that that should be our focus. Easy to say, hard to do!!
I think all of this is necessary to help us get back to our Father in Heaven; thinking beyond the world and think in more spiritual/eternal terms.
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