Why can't I forget this?

Have you ever noticed how long-lasting emotional memories are?

This was first made obvious to me when I used to take care of my grandmother. She was senile, but she remembered emotion. When we got upset with her it made her sad and she stayed sad long after she forgot WHY she was sad. In fact her emotions always lasted long after the actual events they were associated with.

Since then I've noticed it in myself. Sometimes I'll have a little niggling bad feeling inside me and I have to really think to remember what it's connected with--maybe something little I said that I thought was stupid or somebody doing something rude on the freeway--those little things that you can't really do much about but that bug you anyway.

Also I don't get really angry very often but I have been blazingly, mindlessly angry a couple of times in the last 20 years and I remember the anger and what I did when I was angry (one time I locked myself in the bathroom to calm down) very well. I don't remember what made me angry, however. (Probably my kids :D)

I think this emotional residue is one of the things that both destroys and builds relationships. After the apologies, the emotional recollection of the hurt remains for a long time. This memory of the emotional pain can stunt trust and forgiveness and can build up into a collection of negative emtional memories that affect how a relationship develops even after the hurts themselves are far in the past, apologized for and forgotten. Likewise, consistent warmth from a person builds deep trust and security around that person. I think this happens all the time in family relationships. These emotional memories cause patterns of behavior between spouses and parents and children and siblings to form and cement themselves. This happens with good emotional memories as well as bad emotional memories, of course.

For example, my dad has been consistently generous with me for many many years. He gives his time, his money, his love, his advice, his praise, his support and his protection unstintingly. Consequently, I totally adore and trust him. When I was little he represented absolute security and even now that I am grown up and can see faults in him (just little ones :D) I still see him as a source of comfort and security. He set those patterns a long time ago.

I need to mention the idea of true forgiveness at this point too. True forgiveness, where the power of the atonement has been accessed, I believe must be able to erase negative emotional memory. Or at least to enable us to have power over our emotional habits. I think one of the most powerful things about the atonement is the ability it gives us creatures of habit to CHANGE. And having the power to change our paths despite our emotional history is a big deal. And so I believe this power exists through Christ. But I also think that most of us fail to use it most of the time. Or perhaps I'm being too pessimistic about that?

What makes any idea valuable is its ability to be applied. So this is how I think of applying this idea of emotional memory. I think it's important to not be the cause of someone else's negative memory. I think of this with my children and with my husband especially. I would wish to be a positive emotional memory maker for them. And so you know what I think is the blanket approach to that? I believe it is my job to be the builder. To tell them they're wonderful, to give them lots of hugs and kisses, to be their cheerleader, to listen to them when they talk, to offer them warm looks and touches, to never criticize, to never belittle, mock or discourage. EVEN if I don't think they're wonderful at that moment, if I don't feel like hugs and kisses or nice touches and EVEN if I think they need to be criticized and EVEN if I feel totally justified in doing so.

After all, when did negative criticism from a parent or spouse ever lead to positive change? What do you do when your husband criticizes you? Or when your child says something hurtful?

I think that when a warm and close relationship is perpetuated, with plenty of service and laughter and time together, then children and husbands are more likely to look for ways to please you. I think that if that emotional history of safety and security is built, then the relationship can survive the ups and downs of life-in-general. I think it's my job as wife and mother to be the ultimate cheerleader. It is my job to spy out every good trait and behavior and point them out. It's my job to praise them to others, to defend them from criticism, and to avoid criticizing them behind their back (although I am not as good at that last one when I am frustrated with the kids, I'm afraid. I tell myself that I need to "vent" to a girlfriend or to my husband, but talking about what irritates me never makes it better. In fact, it tends to exacerbate my irritation, feeding that fire somehow--but that's a different blog topic, I think).

I haven't talked about how discipline fits in here. (I haven't talked about very many specifics at all.) That's cuz I'm fuzzy on points of discipline in general. I expect my kids to obey me because they love me and want to make me happy. When they won't fall in line with that, I am often unsure of what to do. Fortunately for me (thus far), my kids mostly want to keep the peace. So most of the time I'm not stumped. However, I'm just not good at discipline. I can tell you a hundred ways to make my kids feel loved, but I can't tell you more than one method of consequence enforcement. Yup. My dark secret.

So. What do you think?