So I feel a little ambivalent about writing a blog. It's like I'm sort of embarrassed. And I've started and stopped before. But I am still attracted to the idea. And. I think I've figured out why.
I should mention here that I figured it out by talking to my friend Laura about it. :)
Cuz you know that's how I figure things out: in conversation. I'm handicapped that way. It just doesn't crystallize in my mind until it comes out of my mouth. And the first 3 or 4 (or more) versions out my mouth may not be what I really think either. With me it's always another moment in the process. Even when I think I've arrived at what I really think, something that someone else says on the same subject, or something I come across in reading or studying may change that "final" thought on something. That's natural, right? Many of our opinions change as we ourselves change in the natural growth that should be a part of life. (Now is your time to reassure me that it's natural)
And this is why I so often regret something I've said. It was in my head somewhere along the way to where I was going with whatever idea it may have been. And, naturally (for me), it came out of my mouth too. But perhaps it wasn't where I ended up in my thought process, or worse, maybe it was even an embarrassing or stupid thought along the way. But to the person that heard it, maybe they believed that was the end point of my thinking. And that kind of situation just tortures me. I hate to be misunderstood. Hate it.
Anyway, I'm getting rather far afield here. But maybe you can already see where I'm going. I like the idea of keeping a blog because I need to connect with people. I need to talk ideas out. Something is almost always simmering away in my head and I don't know that I'm even capable of keeping things to myself. (Except for stuff that's not about me--I've gotten pretty good at keeping other people's stuff to myself. You gotta, you know, or you cannot be trusted.)
When I was first married and we lived in a college town, I had a large group of girlfriends and we got together in one form or another almost every day, with our babies in tow. And we were all either college graduates or college students, so we talked about a lot of things all the time--college kind of trains you to organize and express ideas, or at least that's one of the things it's supposed to do, I believe. And anyway, that's the time of life where you're very likely to be exploring all sorts of ideas. You're settling who you are as an adult, you know? It starts a bit in the last high school years and really gets going in college and then as a girl starts being married and having babies, she's really fixing her life philosophies, don't you think? Anyway, maybe that's when I got addicted. :)
But life moves on and we all get busy and somehow or another, I just don't have the contact with my listening girlfriends that I'd love to have. But I still have the need to talk about.... so many things. And when I do get together with girlfriends I can't just babble on and on about all the things I'm thinking about. I listen too. I love to listen as well as talk. But the talking is there, pressing on me, waiting to come out.
And my long suffering husband is a very generous listener. But honestly, he's a guy. More than that, he's the strong silent type. (Why am I so attracted to that type?) I wouldn't change him, nope. But he just doesn't have the interest in talking things out that I do. So I need my girls. It's just more of a girl thing, isn't it?
So. That's why the blogging. And a lot of folks blog. I think that's because a lot of people need to talk it out, or need to be heard, or need to feel understood. It's interesting that such a large percentage of the internet is about making connections with other people. We are so all about connections and as life picks up its pace (which I hate and which I go out of my way to avoid, not always successfully), somehow the person-to-person connections don't get made as they should. So I guess we are blessed to have an electronic option. Even though it's not quite as good as a face-to-face. Not nearly as good. Nope. I love my girls. All of you girls. You are important to me. Without your listening and your replies my life would be very frustrating. So thanks.
Talk to you later!
3 comments:
I enjoy reading your blog because it requires me to think, something I've put on hold lately!! But as I was reading this last entry I started to sympathize with Scott. He too is the one who has to endure my "talking". And somehow it always starts about 5 minutes before he wants to go to sleep and doesn't end until 1)he falls asleep or 2) I've talked at least an hour after he really wanted to be asleep.....
He does endure it well though, being my source of communication lately. Keep up the good work Audrey, at least you have me thinking more!!
Sami Thompson :0)
I am being brave by posting a comment! I'd only do this for you, and because I want you to know I read your blog. Its one of the only ones I read. I regret what I write more than what I say (although I often regret the spoken word too). In writing, there is evidence that can be held against you. That is why I don't re-read my journals, and I tape them up with duct tape when I am done...seriously. I think I would die if Kevin ever read my journals. Forntunately, I'll never be important enough for someone to need access to them for an autobiography! I can understand why people used to have their letters burned upon their death.
I do share your anxiety about uncompleted opinions voiced in a group setting. The difference between that and one and one conversation is that you get more direct feedback in a one to one setting. And in a one to one setting, you are more likely to have an intimate relationship with the other person and therefore the other person will understand your uncompleted thoughts based their more complete experience of knowing you.
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